On the Ning Nang Nong

by, and in loving memory of, Spike Milligan - sadly missed.......

  On the Ning Nang Nong, Where the Cows go Bong!,  And the Monkeys all say Boo!
     There's a Nong Nang Ning,  Where the trees go Ping!,  And the tea pots Jibber Jabber Joo.
On the Nong Ning Nang,  All the mice go Clang!,  And you just can't catch 'em when they do!

So it's Ning Nang Nong!,  Cows go Bong!,  Nong Nang Ning!
Trees go Ping!,  Nong Ning Nang!,  The mice go Clang!
What a noisy place to belong,  Is the Ning Nang Ning Nang Nong!

A small selection of my own, hopefully not too rude, received over the years......

Dorothy is very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away.   She goes to the mortuary to look at her dearly departed and the instant she sees him she starts wailing and crying.  One of the attendants rushes up to comfort her.   Through her tears she explains that she was upset because Albert was wearing a black suit and that it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit.

The attendant apologises and explains that they always put the bodies in a black suit as a matter of course, but he'd see what he could do.   The next day Dorothy returns to the mortuary to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day.   When the attendant pulls back the curtain, Dorothy manages to smile through her tears as Albert is now wearing a smart blue suit. She asks the attendant "how did you manage to get hold of that beautiful blue suit?"

"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit.  His wife explained that she
was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit" the attendant replied.   He continued "After that it was simply a matter of swapping the heads around......"

*    *    *    *    *    *

HUSBAND: Shall we try different positions tonight?

WIFE: That's a good idea. Why don't you stand at the sink and do the dishes, and I'll sit on the sofa and fart.

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A boy went to visit his farmer uncle.   For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things - chickens, pigs, crops...

After three days, however, it was obvious the boy was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with.  Finally, the uncle had an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?"

This seemed to cheer the boy up, and with enthusiasm, off he went.   After a few hours, he returned.   "How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle.

"It was great!" exclaimed the boy. "Got any more dogs?"

*    *    *    *    *    *

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.
He slides up to the bar and announces:
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

*    *    *    *    *    *

Ireland's worst ever Air Disaster occurred earlier today when a Cessna 152, a small 2 seater aircraft, crashed into a cemetery early this morning close
to Dublin.    Irish search and rescue workers together with the Garda have recovered 826 bodies so far, and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening.........

*    *    *    *    *    *

2 aerials meet on a roof - fell in love - and got married. 
The ceremony was not great, but the reception was brilliant.

*    *    *    *    *    *

Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car, and hisses at them through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?"    "Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.   Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.  "What shall I do now?"  she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican," says Sister Helen.   Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn. As Dracula hangs on.    "Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn as she opens the window and shouts, ...  "Get the F*** off our car!! "

*    *    *    *    *    *

The Hypnotist

"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. 
It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations." 

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly 
chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch ..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, 
light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of 
eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from 
the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"Shit!" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.

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( to be continued....... )

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